5 Ways to kick a girl out the next morning
Every now and then, you’re going to go out for a beer with your buddies on a Friday night after work and end up staying out much later than you’d planned, racking up a $160 bar tab, getting devastatingly drunk and, despite entering into at least a mild blackout, still manage to miraculously talk a chick into coming home with you. And then, in the morning, you’ll wake up with a painful hangover that feels as though nails are being hammered into the back of your skull and, as your eyes mercilessly crack open, the first thing you’ll see is a tattoo of a smiling wood nymph on the naked shoulder of a girl who is neither as young nor as thin as she appeared in the dim light of the bar the previous evening.
I’m speaking generally, of course.
Or maybe the girl asleep in your bed has a reputation for being the town whore, or maybe she’s clinically insane, or maybe she’s perfectly lovely in her own special way, but you’re just not interested in getting seriously involved with anyone and you don’t want her to get the wrong idea.
Whatever the case may be, in the morning after a drunken sexual encounter, you have a choice… You can either A) be a standoffish douchebag and usher her out as quickly as possible before your roommates or judgmental neighbors wake up, or B) be honorable and decent and be mindful of her feelings and her delicate self-esteem and treat her with both the kindness and respect that someone deserves for willingly sleeping with you.
If you don’t believe in karma or aren’t concerned about the possibility that she might have hot female friends whom you will never have a shot with in the future if they hear that you’re a creep, then feel free to go with the first option. But if you’re interested in potentially having repeat business from her or, at the very least, not ruining her for other guys by leaving her emotionally-scarred and forcing her to question her decision to hook up with some random guy she met in a bar, here are five easy steps for politely removing a girl from your home or apartment…
5 Go another round
I mean, really, you might as well. What’s the difference at this point? The damage is done. Why not get the day off to a good start? If she’s not awake yet, roll up next to her and run your fingers gently along her stomach or her thighs. If she’s a deep sleeper, you might have to nudge her a bit with your knee or lightly elbow her in the kidneys. Once she’s semi-awake, do a bit a light kissing. Don’t be offended if she keeps her mouth closed. In the morning, the average girl’s breath smells like a potpourri of Cheetos, cigarettes and old people’s feet, and she’s likely self-conscious. If she seems open to the idea of some morning sex, go for it.
4 Take a shower
This is the signal to any normal girl that, while your time together has been fantastic, it’s time to wrap it up. While you’re in the shower, she’ll have the opportunity to scavenge around your place in search of her underwear, clothing, purse, etc. One thing she won’t find? Her dignity.
3 Offer her a drink
Hopefully, by the time you’re done rinsing yourself off, she’ll be up and dressed and already getting ready to head home. If not, there could be a slight issue, but we’ll get back to that in a second. Either way, offer her something to drink. Coffee. Water. PBR. Whatever. It’s just common courtesy.
2 Check the clock
Starting now, the girl is allowed to hang out for thirty minutes before things get uncomfortable. Perhaps she’s hungover as well and needs some time to recover before venturing out into the morning sun. Perhaps she really enjoys your company. Or maybe you simply have a comfortable couch and a big TV and there’s an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians on that she hasn’t seen yet. Don’t get antsy. Instead, sit with her and talk to her. Whether or not you remember what you said to her the night before, you managed to win her over with your charm once. Keep it up. Be witty and funny and, most of all, just be nice. And if you don’t have the energy to form words, you know the easiest way to convince a girl you’re nice? By looking at her when she talks and listening to her and, at every break in the conversation, furrowing your brow and saying things like, “Really?” and “Hmmm” and “That’s funny.”
1 Take desperate measures
If the thirty minute mark has come and gone and she has made no effort to leave on her own power, you could very well be dealing with a Lingerer, a unique breed of socially-inept female who seemingly has no idea when or where her presence is no longer wanted. Because there is nothing more awkward than directly saying to someone, “It’s time for you to go now,” your best bet is to out-maneuver her. Stealthily pick up your phone, excuse yourself and head for the bathroom. Send a text message to one or more trusted friends and tell them to call you in five minutes and say that they need help with something, be it moving some boxes or repairing a transmission or reading a map… anything that the average woman is incapable of assisting with. When the phone rings, pick it up, listen to their faux dilemma and tell them that you’ll be there in twenty minutes. Then say to your company, “I’m sorry, that was my buddy Frank. I’ve got to go help him with something. You about ready to go?”
Get up, put on your shoes, grab your wallet and your keys. If she needs a ride home, volunteer to do so without hesitation. Otherwise, walk her out like a gentleman. Regardless of whether or not you have any intention of ever seeing her again, give her a warm hug and say to her, “Have a good day.” If, as she walks away, she is able to do so with her head held high and with fond memories of her time with you, the world will be an ever-so-slightly happier place, and it will have you to thank.