The Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice,
avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and
secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try 1 more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny,
guilt-ridden, delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No


You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other
form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no
one is guaranteeing anything.


You do not have the right to never be offended.
This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone --
not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will


You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver
in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.


You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional couch potatoes.


You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from
the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health


You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,
rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of
us get together and kill you.


You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,
or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised
if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.


You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in
foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive
governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd
like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want
to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a
military uniform and a funny hat.


You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and
will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.


You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you
have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those
around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.